The Docket Pageant 2007
At the Docket Committee’s September meeting, the group discussed the Miss Teen USA contestant who had more than a little trouble answering a question about why U.S. citizens couldn’t locate the U.S. on a map. (If you missed it, just go to http://youtube.com and search "Miss Teen USA.") Of course, that led to the idea of having a Docket committee pageant. Committee members were asked two questions. The committee’s brilliant responses are as follows:
If you were to achieve world peace, what kind of vegetable would you be?
Carrot. Orange you glad I said that? Anyway, being a carrot, people would root for me.
To achieve world peace the vegetable I would be is an avocado. Avocados are slippery, like the achievement of world peace. They are also green, which is the origin of the name "Greenpeace." Avocados are also pear-shaped, like the world. (OK, we say the world is round, but have you ever looked at it really closely?) What’s that you say — an avocado is a fruit, not a vegetable? Nonsense; you’re wrong about that, you cretin. Vegetables are things like cucumbers and lettuce and carrots and tomatoes. What, you think a tomato is a fruit as well? How stupid are you? Oh yeah, well same to you buddy. You want to step outside and settle this? Fine with me; fists or weapons, numbskull? I’m all for world peace, but sometimes you just have to knock some sense into people the hard way, know what I mean? Peas out.
As long as someone wants what someone else has, there will never be world peace. And I, at least, will always want what someone else has. Therefore, talking about world peace is pointless. So, instead of a vegetable to demonstrate this, I pick a fruit — the banana. It is the most pointless fruit there is. Once you skin it, and throw the bone away, there’s nothing left. Maybe that’s fruitless, rather than pointless, but you get the idea.
If I were to solve world peace, I would use an artichoke as an international symbol. An artichoke’s leaves are prickly if they aren’t trimmed, and this represents the conflicts nations have with one another. The artichoke as a whole represents all nations coming together with their prickly ends tucked in to protect the heart of the artichoke. The heart of the artichoke (the tasty part, by the way) represents our youth. As you get to the center of the artichoke, the leaves become more tender and tinier.
The artichoke would be required to be used at all national ceremonies involving a change in leaders, where each leader places an artichoke upon the other’s head to symbolize the transfer of leadership. Also, birdseed thrown at weddings would be replaced by throwing artichokes at the happy couple (after all, world peace could be affected by the divorce rate). There would also be a new summer Olympic event celebrating the artichoke, know as the "Artichoke Pentathalon." Contestants would have to compete in the Artichoke Toss, Artichoke Punt, Artichoke Jump, Artichoke Eating Contest and the Artichoke Growing Contest. The winner of this event would automatically be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which as expected, would consist of a bronzed artichoke.
Corn. Everybody likes corn, and isn’t that The Docket vegetable? What is ‘we are corny’ in Latin? Does The Docket have a motto? This would be sort of the like the state flower only different. Although there might be some difficulty because some people eat it creamed and some on the cob and some call it maize and some people call it corn. But we could initiate the world peace song, "You say corn, I say maize …" to the tune of, "You say tomato and I say tomahto." Thus, we could all get along no matter what you call the cobby substance.
Recent studies of Harvard graduates say they can’t locate the writ of habeas corpus in the Constitution. Why is that?
Because it is not there. Article 9, Section 2 says that the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, implying that it already exists somewhere outside of the Constitution. The problem with these Harvard grads, at least those in the current administration, is that they can’t find Article 9, Section 2.
Stop picking on Harvard graduates! How many of you could find Harvard on a map of Massachusetts? For that matter, how many on the Docket committee can even spell Massachusetts? OK, put this Docket down, close your eyes, and now try to spell Massachusetts. Ha! I thought so.
Well, the Harvard grads are smart enough to pick up on the fact that corpses are usually buried in coffins or cremated, and the Constitution is simply a piece of paper. It could be possible to roll a corpse up in the Constitution, but that would be a bad use of the Constitution.
It’s still there in the original. Recent copies have had those clauses papered over. This is what happens when a law school goes to a pass-fail grading system. You can get one thing wrong, like habeas corpus or the right to free speech, and still become a lawyer.
Because the Constitution was a sailing ship and Mr. Writ from Habea’s corpse was tossed overboard in the ocean.
If the Constitution were written in Latin, recent Harvard graduates, who have taken years of Latin so as to be able to read their diplomas to ensure that they actually graduated, would be able to track it down even if they were in flagrente delicto vino veritas.